I couldn’t relate more. I’ve been desperately trying to articulate this myself for the last few years, all the pieces are there, the loss of self, day to day invalidation that you resign yourself too and the bigger betrayals in that area, manipulation, I’m at the ‘what’s the point in talking when I’m not heard’ phase and have been for some time. I actually set about trying to accept my situation after tackling the fight or flight decision many times, understanding my plight, regaining my self worth (to a degree) and learning about my partner and her own behaviours. Seeking counselling myself to help me through it all. I’m of the view now that acceptance is the tricky bit, it flicks between accepting and residing myself to it as you describe. It can be an incredibly lonely and sad experience, not least because nobody else understands or sees it, they see the mask, get an abundance of empathy, validation and kindness where I get what’s left over. The trouble I have is my empathy for my partner, from everything I’ve learned she is projecting what she herself experienced, she was treated this way, made to feel this way, and wears that as a badge of honour almost, not realising she in fact does exactly the same...but then sometimes she does, she knows, that’s the tricky bit for me, when I believe it’s unconscious and is something she’s in denial or unaware of it helps, but when I see the awareness of herself, her behaviour it feels completely unacceptable to me. Learning to live with this has been incredibly challenging, finding myself again was a mission in itself. In doing so my empathy and love, as well as trust has regrown - the key for me was trusting myself, not being confused or misled by manipulation and denial. Not taking ANY of it personally. So flippin hard not too. And having my emotional needs met elsewhere, it’s not how I believe a relationship should be, it’s barely a relationship in many ways, but in some ways it is. I think anyone in this situation has to have an honest conversation with themselves, stay or go. To go will save yourself a lot of shit, stuff you don’t deserve and shouldn’t have to deal with from another human being. To stay, there must be enough viability, enough that you can accept and let go of whilst remaining firm and grounded in your own values and self-worth where you can and do challenge what isn’t acceptable, remaining unswayed and unaffected (as best you can) by the rejection and invalidation that you will inevitably receive. I’m still very much learning how to do that, but I’m getting better at it. Focusing on self protection and the good stuff, rather than the negatives that exist in the relationship is a huge part of it, the other part is recognising that it’s trauma, not them, separating the human being from the trauma allows for softened communication when challenging. And of course acceptance rather than residing is the ultimate goal, acceptance is healthy and better for your own sanity and soul. You regain power of self, you feel more confident and you know that you can make choices that are right for you. Love fiercely - but don’t take any shit.