It’s the craziest of things, I’ve always been a believer in following my heart and trusting my gut, it’s an approach to life that always brings its challenges but living vulnerably and authentically is absolutely the right way to go about it in my opinion. It equates to more happiness and inner peace.

After 36 years I somehow completely threw this proven theory out the window – by choice – Red flags? Yup. Empathy to heal someone I care about born out of my own childhood trauma? Yup. Is she hot? Yup. Disrespectful comments brushed aside? Yup. Narcissistic tendencies? Yup. Pathological lies? Yup. Did it bend and break me? Yup. Lowered myself? Yup…

I won’t go on forever. The weirdest part has always been the acute awareness I have of it all, yet still, against my values and approach to life I have remained…hopeful of the potential. There’s always been some viability, that viability has grown and evolved…as she’s healed (when I stopped being the sponge). So there’s always ‘enough’ but then it goes backwards (narcissism) in action.

I always wondered if I stayed because of the hotness, I hated to admit it to myself because it made me feel shallow, so I must be to a degree to feel that way. My conscious intentions were good ones, a big heart, strong minded, I thought I could be the one to give this person the love she didn’t get from her father or the abusers in her life – which is what I did. I had no idea about the abuse until four years in, I knew something serious had happened but she avoided, denied etc etc. So all the narc stuff was mind bending. Broke me, I lost myself badly, soaked up her trauma and let it swim with my own. Since, I’ve been able to research abuse trauma, find answers to all the questions I’ve had and my partner avoided and refused to accept or discuss. That was a year ago, just before I was about to leave the relationship…it’s felt like she knew I was heading that way, and that’s the only reason she told me. Wasn’t sure what to make of that, genuine or more narc work.

As time has gone by the past year I’ve been able to heal myself, the relationship has improved too, she’s begun to heal more, acknowledge more, take more accountability, make more effort…that potential I was talking about. But I still find myself stuck at times, returning to an older version of her, what she was like and knowing she’s still under there. I know I’m still healing, I know trust is still rebuilding yet I can’t help but be confused by my gut instinct still, it’s torn 50/50, as it’s always been with her, never before, with anything or anyone else.

It’s quite a pickle when it happens 🙄☺️