There’s a lot I relate too in here, I have very much the same outlook when it comes to staying or going, although in recent experience my perspective has changed (a little). After choosing self-worth and my own happiness over poor treatment in a defining moment in my early twenties I never looked back. Life, relationships, everything became easier and for want of a better word ‘better’.
But twice since I’ve found it an incredible challenge to forgive. The first I tried for a year but failed, and ended up leaving the relationship far more messed up than I would have been if I’d just gone at the time of the hurt. However, after that relationship I realised two things: we don’t always need to forgive and actually, how we feel about what happens is a reflection of us…and perhaps our all important boundaries are too rigid or sensitive.
For me, this meant reassessing the sentiment I’d lived by that had for all intents and purposes made life better.
On the surface it was a genuine, honest, open and mutually respectful approach to life, with good values and happiness in the driving seat. However it had actually become a form of guard.
We are always learning. When we reach a level that feels good, happy, better than before…safe…we can lose sight of that and become fixed in our mindset. Which can be isolating as much as it is brilliant in our eyes.
I used to think forgiveness was everything, and if we couldn’t then leave, show them the door. And don’t get me wrong, somethings are unforgivable and that belief remains true. But here and now, I see it as acceptance rather than forgiveness. Trying to forgive someone we love is insanely hard, I put so much effort into that because I believed that’s what we ‘had’ to do…it’s what we’re told we need to do by so many texts in order to heal, let go…get over it…but it was trying to forgive something that I couldn’t that keep me in that hurt cycle.
We can’t forgive because what happened was in direct conflict to us, our values, how we would behave, what we would do or say in the same situation.
Therefore it simply comes down to acceptance. Can we accept what happened? Can we separate the person from the event and our own emotions about it? Can we see them as human? Is there more to it? Is there enough other things to keep us here? Why did they do it?
After a hurt, trust is damaged and requires rebuilding. Whilst that takes two, them and us, it’s actually mostly us, our capacity to trust. If we’re too rigid in our boundaries that capacity is potentially quite limited and fragile.
We all make mistakes and we cannot judge others by our own values. But we can empathise, have compassion for self and others, and accept things we perhaps couldn’t before and move on with self-respect (whether we forgive the actions of others or not).
Just watch out for repeat patterns - that exit door is ready and waiting.
